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I recently started taking a Tae-Bo class, being that it is all the rage among the young hipsters nowadays. For all you people who have been living in a cave for the last few years, Tae-Bo is a combination of country-line dancing and MTV's "The Grind". It is an excellent way to reduce your cholesterol, blood pressure, and also relieve a little stress, if you believe the infomercials. Well, after five minutes I decided it was too hard so I quit.
When I got home, my garage door opener was broken, so I had to manually open my garage!! Wow, did I get a workout! See, I made an effort to go and get myself in shape, and I did get one heck of a workout. I would encourage all of my readers to do the same! Now, let's open up the mailbag. Keep in mind, if you have any health-related questions, you can reach me by e-mailing drwww@couch.zzn.com. Here's our first letter:
Hello, this is "Doctor" Wilson Wells Wofford. I am here again to answer your health and medical questions. Wow. They didn't fire me yet. Anyway, being that I am entrusted with the health of you, all my loyal readers, I feel the need to update you on my own health from time to time, just to, you know, let you know that you're all in good hands.
Q. Dear Dr. WWW,
My family has a history of heart disease. I exercise regularly, I eat a balanced diet, and monitor my blood pressure regularly. Is there anything else I can do to avoid this terrible problem?
-Worried in Wisconsin
Dear Worried,
You poor, sweet, man. I understand your problem. Your heart was stolen by a young lass earlier in life, and you worry about having a broken heart for the rest of your life. Your family has a history of heart disease? I suppose that means your parents divorced or something of that sort. Heart disease. Yes, that's a good name for it. Heart disease. I believe there was a poet who once said that there is no worse disease than heartache. Well, you worry too much, sir. Remember, it is better to have loved and lost than to have just lost. I understand your quest for the perfect woman. I see you work very hard to impress the ladies, trying to keep in tip-top shape. It can become very stressful, and obviously, I see this has taken its toll on you. My medical advice to you is to just enjoy life. Stop worrying about finding the perfect woman, and stop living in fear of having your heart broken. Enjoy life, my good man. Eat potato chips. Smoke cigarrettes. Drink beer. If you do all of these things, you won't get heart disease. Next question!
What do you think of such new-age treatments such as acupuncture and faith healing? Studies overwhelmingly show they work, what do you think?
-21st Century Fox
Dear Dr. WWW,
Dear Fox,
Well, I'm actually glad you asked. I am a strong proponent of these so-called "alternative medicines". Believe it or not, I am actually responsible for rescusitating the ancient Chinaish procedure known as acupuncture. In the late 70's, while I was studying medicine back in Guatemala, the lighting was very poor in some of the various medical huts and doctor's barns, that when I would stick my patients with IV's, I would actually miss very badly from time to time. I would have to try over and over again, and by the time the patient had about 20 needles in them, they would say, "Hey, quit it!" I would ask them if they were OK, and they would always say, "Yeah, no more!" I would heal a record number of patients in this fashion. This practice of just putting needle after neeedle into the patient started to catch on, and pretty soon it became a worldwide craze rivaled only by ABBA. So yes, I am a big fan of new-age medicine. Thanks for the question! Hmmm, here's an interesting one.
Some of my colleagues and I have been having a debate lately, and we thought it would be best to conult a world-renowned expert like yourself on the matter. What is the proper way to handle a patient who goes into ventricular tachycardia while a multiple bypass operation is in progress?
-Dr. Eileen James
Dear Dr. WWW,
University of Minnesota Medical Center
Hey, you're from Minnesota, do you think the Twins are gonna be a contender next year? They do have some hot young prospects this year. I really like their chances in the AL Central within the next few years. Brad Radke is really one heck of a pitcher. I do think they could use some help out of the bullpen. And what do you think of Governor Ventura? Man, that guy sure is a character, huh? I heard he's gettin back into wrestling! Well, thanks for your letter, Dr. James!
It's always nice to get letters from fans like that! Keep those questions coming to drwww@couch.zzn.com. Well, for those of you keeping score at home, it's time for me to ride off into the sunset. Until next time, this is Dr. Wilson Wells Wofford, and thanks for your love, support, time, and good health!
- Tell your friends.