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Greetings, my fellow North Americans. This is Dr. Wilson Wells Wofford, board certified physician, here to answer your health-related questions. This being my first column here on this prestigious website, let me tell you a little about my background. I graduated with passing grades from Duff's University in 1982, and went on to med school in Guatemala, where I was accepted. Then, after bribing the powers that be, I received my license, and somehow, probably through a clerical error, my Guatemalan license magically turned into an American license. And the rest, as they say, is medicine. Well, let me take some questions, that I've received in the Dr. WWW mailbag, which you can reach by e-writing me at drwww@couch.zzn.com.
Q. Dear Dr. WWW,
I have somewhat of an internet pornography problem. As a result of typing too much to
look for this pornography, and, well, you know, the resultant behavior that comes along
with that, I believe I have come down with a case of Carpal Tunnel syndrome. What can I
do to cure this ailment?
-Hurting heart with hurting wrists.
Dear Mr. Wrists,
I must confess that this is a problem that strikes close to home with me. Oh, not THAT...Carpal Tunnel syndrome. You see, it is important for those who type to have well-rested wrists. Otherwise, in this age of technological mumbo-jumbo, things can get very problematic. I believe it is a fair statement to say that one typographical error ruined my entire social life. Let me take you back to my fifth grade sex education class. As you are all aware, sex education in elementary school consists of labeling body parts. So, at the top of my worksheet on which I was to label body parts, it said "Public Region". It was supposed to say "Pubic Region", but for god's sake, I was 11, how in the hell was I supposed to know that? So, I went around for most of my life thinking that my pubic region was, in fact, public. I had no way of knowing that I was supposed to keep my privates privates. Well, being the son of two beatniks who refused to tell their child right from wrong, I did not wear pants until the age of 26. I only did this because of bug bites in the Guatamalan jungle, and I noticed that people reacted much differently to me. So I began to wear pants, and my life took a dramatic turn for the better. But that is not the point. The point is I did not wear pants for 15 years because of a simple typographical error that someone didn't catch. So you can see that I feel very strongly about good typing. It is important to cure this Carpal Tunnel syndrome as soon as possible. I would suggest that you watch The Golden Girls three times a day to cure of your problem. Next question!
For the last few years, my wife and I have been trying to have a baby, but we have been unsuccessful so far. Do you have any suggestions?
-Childless in Chattanooga
Dear Dr. WWW,
Dear Childless,
Believe it or not, this is a problem that many young couples face. The inability to have children is a serious problem. Fortunately, Dr. WWW is here to help. The first step is to have a time when you and your wife can be alone. Then, slip her a mickey. After she passes out, take her to the bedroom and remove her clothing. If things are going properly, your "thingly-jingly" should be getting hard at this time. Then, insert your "thingly-jingly" into her "doo-dang". Then try to do the chicken dance. Use the music if necessary. Doing the chicken dance at the reception is my favorite part of weddings, how about yours? At this point, some "Zesty Italian Dressing" should ooze out of your "thingly-jingly". Well, I know I love Zesty Italian Dressing on my salads, and your wife's innards must love the Zesty Italian too, because nine months later, you'll be proud parents of a messed up young child, who approximately 15 years later, will forget you exist and start doing their own chicken dances. Wow, that was a long sentence. Anyway, it's all the miracle of life and if you haven't been able to figure it all out yet, you must be dumb. Next question.
As I get older, I start to have problems with my joints. They start to crack. Well I'm tired of it. What the hell can I do about it?
-Aging With An Attitude
Dear Dr. WWW,
While I fully sympathize with your problem, I am sure you are aware of the legal battle that has been raging on in our ballot boxes and our courtrooms in the last few years. No, our government, as of the time this has gone to press, has not approved medicinal marijuana. So for starters, while I'm sorry you're having problems with your weed, I, as a respected medical professional, can not condone ANYONE to smoke marijuana. NEVER. EVER. I have never smoked it myself, but I did inhale. Anyhow, I'm sorry you're having problems getting marijuana. Maybe your dealer got busted. Maybe you ran out of rolling paper. But I'm sorry you're having problems, but for god's sake, don't use crack as an alternative! My God, I mean, look at your sentence structure! "They start to crack"? First of all, you're referring to yourself in the infinitive third person. That's symptomatic of a crack addict in and of itself. It should have said, "I have started to use crack". Or does that use passive voice? Anyway, your level of English has reverted to that of a 4 year old. Look what's happening to your mind and body because of your use of crack. Please stop. So, to answer your question, what the hell can you do about it? Well, I can't tell you to toke up like I want to because the Couch wouldn't let me give REAL advice, they want me to stay medical. So I guess I have to tell you to go to your local liquor store and go get some good old-fashioned Jack Daniels Tennessee Whiskey. Oh yeah. Jack Daniels. I could go for some of that right now.
I guess that means were out of space for this week. I'll be back next week, and don't forget to keep those letters coming. Send your medical questions to drwww@couch.zzn.com. Until next time, I'm Dr. Wilson Wells Wofford, and thanks for your time, attention, love, support, and good health.
- Tell your friends.