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If you watch TV, then you've seen these once, twice, ten, maybe 48,000 times.
They're the thirty-second spots that just won't go away.
Pepsi is a major offender in this. They have two very disturbing ad campaigns in heavy rotation right now.
The first is the infamous little girl voice-over commercials. You guys know what I'm talking about - the ones where she and her grandpa walk happily into a diner, where she orders a Pepsi.
Much to her chagrin, she is served a glass of the competing soft-drink instead of Pepsi, and thus, in an angry rage, the voice of Joe Pesci comes bursting out of her little cranium.
In more recent installments of this campaign, the little girl has been possessed by the likes of Marlon Brando, Aretha Franklin, and Isaac Hayes.
The people at Pepsi seem to think that this is cute, so the ads don't stop.
Well, I'd just like to go on record as to say that I don't find this cute. I find this disturbing. These commercials are so reminiscent of "The Exorcist" it's frightening.
The only way to make these commercials good is if Pesci pulled another stint, only this time, it would go a little somethin', somethin' like this:
"What the f--- is this, heh? A Coke? A f---in' Coke? What the f--- kind of malfunction do you have that you can't serve me a f---ing Pepsi when I order a Pepsi, heh? Look, pal, if there isn't a Pepsi in front of me in ten seconds, I'm gonna stick this Coke glass so far up your ass..."
Now that would make for a great Pepsi commercial.
Which brings me to the next offending Pepsi ad campaign: the Star Wars tie-in CGI alien guy. You all know what I'm talking about - the little Lucasfilm created alien guy who's either excited about the limited edition Star Wars Pepsi cans or about the Pod Racing scene in the movie.
Listen up, Pepsi: the next time I drink one of your products, I'd better not see Liam Neeson staring back at me. Understand?
And I can't forget the Taco Bell chihuahua.
Allright, he was cool that first commercial, but after that, it all went downhill. Go quiero, Taco Bell Dog; I think it's time for you to make a run for the border.
Now onto feminine hygiene products. If Kim Alexis can talk about her yeast infections during Seinfeld, then I say that we men should buy commercial airtme on Lifetime. Our ads would feature Wilford Brimley, the Quaker Oats guy, talking about his jock itch.
Now that's fair.
But I do have to hand it to the tampon-hawkers: they're about the only corporations I can think of right now that don't have Star Wars tie-ins.
Unless you count Always with X-Wings, but we'll discuss that in another issue.
- Tell your friends.