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Greetings, health buffs. This is Dr. Wilson Wells Wofford, and I'm here with all of your health-related questions. You can send me your questions at drwww@couch.zzn.com. The old mailbag has just been on fire lately. As a result, I may have lost some of your questions. I tried to put out the fire, but fire extinguishers are exceedingly hard to use nowadays. Nonetheless, we still have quite a few questions that weren't burned, and here they are.
Q. Dear Dr. WWW,
I am a high school baseball player, and I see Mark McGwire using androdestrone to increase his muscle size. I was wondering if you think this is safe.
-Future Slugger
Dear Future,
As you probably know by now, Mark McGwire broke the world record with 70 dingers last year, playing for the Saint Louise Cardinals, who I, personally, am not a fan of. I, myself, am a lifelong Chicago Cubs fan. Yes, I have been to Wrigley Field many times. A few of the times I actually watched a baseball game. In fact, I caught Sammy Sosa's 66th homerun ball. That's right. Unfortunately, it was only his 66th homerun in the San Pedro De Macoris, Puerto Rico, Winter League. So, when I sold it last winter for a rather pricey sum, I was telling the truth when I told the (stupid) buyer that it was Sosa's 66th. Anyway, I digress. The media has made a big deal of the fact that McGwire has used "andro" to gain strength. However, andro has not been well tested and the effects of it are not well known. So I would discourage you and all other baseball players from using andro. I would suggest that you use a well-proven steroid such as HGH, which pro wrestlers have used for years. Baseball players wear hats anyway, so going bald shouldn't be a problem. Next question!
I have somewhat of a medical problem. I am a 19-year-old female, and my breasts are almost non-existant. With your medical knowledge, do you think it would be a good idea for me to get breast implants?
-Frustrated in Fresno
Dear Dr. WWW,
Dear Frustrated,
Yes.
Although I'm rather embarrased to admit it, I think I have somewhat of a foot odor problem. My feet sweat excessively. What can I do about it?
-Anonymous
Dear Dr. WWW,
Well, I can see you are rather self-conscious about this problem. You are too embarrassed to even sign your real name. What a wuss. Well, I would suggest that the obvious answer to that problem would be to leave your shoes on. However, there are times when you just NEED to take your shoes off. Some of these times are when you are in an overly self-important oriental restaraunt, or when you play in the ball pit at McDonald's. I love those things. I love to pelt little kids with those balls. Yeah, I've had some good times in those ball pits. Where was I? Oh yes, foot odor. It's like this. There are three components too the foot unit. The shoe, the sock, and the foot itself. If you smell your foot right now, it probably smells a little bit. But what are you going to do? Cut of your foot? If you smell your shoe, it probably stinks just a bit, but if you don't wear shoes, you will recieve several severe lacerations on your feet, possibly from broken glass walking around the parking lot at a racetrack, looking for winning tickets. Trust me, I've been there. Finally, there is the sock. It REALLY stinks. You can do without it. So if you don't wear socks, the purpose of which I don't really understand, your foot odor problem will be alleviated. One more question in the mailbag, let's see what they have to say.
You gotta help me. I've been diagnosed with cancer and the doctors have told me I have a few months to live. I don't wanna die, doc. You gotta help me. There's gotta be some sort of medicine or something!
-Dying in Dayton
Dear Dr. WWW,
Well, you know what they say. Laughter is the best medicine. So try this one on for size. What did the mama engine say to the baby engine at meal time? CHOO CHOO! Get it? CHOO CHOO! OK, how about this one? What did the monster eat after it had it's teeth pulled? The dentist! Ha! Why can't you lose a dalmation? Because they're always spotted! Ha! These jokes are just killers, aren't they? Maybe that was a bad choice of words. Nonetheless, I hope my jokes made you feel better.
That's all for this week. Keep sending me your deeply personal problems at drwww@couch.zzn.com. Until next time, I'm Dr. Wilson Wells Wofford, saying Good Health.
Dr. WWW cares. Why? Because he's paid minimum wage to do so. To ask him for medical advice, send him an e-mail at drwww@couch.zzn.com.
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