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Brad: So here we are, ladies and gentlemen, at the third installment of our original Conversations trilogy. The Jedi, if you will, of said sessions.
Bill: Jedi is right. I'm Robin Leach
Brad: And I'm Anna Nicole Smith.
Bill: And folks, he's got the manboobies to prove it
Brad: So, Bill... I mean, Robin... let's backtrack here.
Bill: Sure, why not
Brad: Your comment "Jedi is right" - is that a snide remark toward the film "Return of the Jedi," George Lucas, Mark Hamil, the Ewoks, and Twentieth Century Fox Film Corporation?
Bill: Um... ok. I was just agreeing with you Snidely
Brad: Yeah. Sure.
Bill: You said Jedi first bitch
Brad: You heard it first, folks - Bill hates "Return of the Jedi."
Bill: I never said I.... well ok. I've never been much of a Star Wars fan. Im more of a
Battlestar Gallactica kind of guy
Brad: Battlestar Galactica???
Bill: Hell yeah! That was a swank ass tv show
Brad: Should I let this one go?
Yeah, I think I should just let it go.
Bill: Yes. Please
Brad: Now he's pleading.
Bill: Im not pleading I was being polite
Brad: Whatever...
Bill: This coming from a man with Buck Rogers sheets on his bed
Brad: They're not Buck Rogers sheets. They're Buck Rogers Astro-Sheets. Get it right.
Bill: Oh sorry
Brad: Show some respect to Buck.
Bill: What did Buck do to earn it huh? He get's his ass lost for 400 years. If someone did that now a days do you know waht they'd be called. They'd be called a f---in idiot
Brad: Gilligan got lost for a long-ass time and nobody called him an... oh wait. Nevermind.
Bill: Everyone called him an idiot. More people than you
Brad: Well, speaking of Gilligan's Island, Bill, as of late, thinks he's the Skipper. He keeps hitting me upside the head with his hat and calling me "Little Buddy."
Bill: I'll kick yer ass little buddy
Brad: Bill... I mean, Skipper?
Bill: Yes Gilligan?
Brad: If you don't knock this "little buddy" crap, I'll get The Professor to invent a stun belt something so high-powered that it will shock the balls right off of you.
Bill: The Professor is too busy f---ing Ginger, and I got Mary Ann later. Can I borrow your hammock
Brad: Where am I gonna sleep, bitch?
Bill: Um..... there's always the Howells'
Brad: No way. I'm getting sick of Mr. Howell always mistaking me for his wife and always calling me "Lovey." That man is like Mr. Magoo. I think he needs glasses.
Brad: Anyway... anything new going on in your life?
Bill: Hmmm... besides the stock investments, women swooning over me, and a new hit record.... not really
Brad: You know what happened a few days ago?
Bill: Another woman pressed sexual harassment charges against you?
Brad: I saw one of the Backstreet Boys.
Bill: Only one?
Brad: Yeah. It was that one with the sideburns...
Bill: Ok
Brad: Yeah. His name's Davey or something like that.
Bill: I think yer thinking of one of the Monkees
Brad: No, this was a Backstreet Boy.
Bill: Are you sure?
Brad: He was at some Hot Dog vendor; I was walking down the street. So you know what I did?
Bill: Kicked his ass?
Brad: I walked up to him, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, "Aren't you a member of 'N Sync? And he said, "No, man... The Backstreet Boys."
Bill: ok
Brad: "Oh, oh... is that a fact? You know you guys are a cheap knock-off of The New Kids On The Block?"
Bill: Who were also cheap knock offs, continue
Brad: "Well, I guess that's your opinion. Can I get my hot dog in peace?"
"What, do you want it that way?"
"Yeah. I really do."
"Well, here's what I want."
Bill: ok
Brad: So I clenched my fist and punched him in the nose.
"Your nose is black... ALLRIGHT!"
Then I walked away.
True story.
Bill: This is sounding less and less like a true story
Brad: Well, it's over now.
Bill: ok
Brad: So I don't think Davey the Backstreet Boy is gonna be making any personal appearances anytime soon.
Bill: I dunno, you punch like a girl
Brad: So? He had the frailty of a girl.
Bill: So? Yer like 6'3
Brad: Oh well. And it's 6'4."
Bill: I think you should do Tae Bo. I do Tae Bo. And I kicked Davey from the Monkees ass with a karate kick to his throat
Brad: I don't know. That Billy Blanks guy... he scares me.
Bill: He does??
Brad: Yeah.
Bill: How? He's harmless
Brad: He's like the Richard Simmons of the next generation.
Bill: Oh now yer not saying he's.......
Brad: Merry?
Bill: Thats a manner of saying it
Brad: I took this trip to the DMV today. Oh my god.
Bill: OK, here we go again
Brad: They should hang up a sign at that place that says, "How's our service? Call 1-800-S..................................................... L............................................ O................................................................... O........................................................... O......................................................... O.............................................. W..............................
Bill: Wow, the one I saw when I was there was 1-800-COLLECT
Brad: I timed this one gal. She took 19 minutes to serve one customer.
Bill: Well, there's a lot that needs to be done at the DMV
Brad: What? What was this guy getting? A gold-plated license or something? A license that not only has his photo, but also plays a sample of him saying, "I'm sorry, officer?"
Bill: Yeah, those take time
Brad: The lady who serviced me, though... she didn't f--- around. It only took me 3 minutes. But of course, my picture turned out uglier than Walt Flanagan's dog's ass.
Bill: Yeah, they time it just so yer picture is humiliating
Brad: Anyway, back to my criticism of the help at the Department of Motor Vehicles.
Bill: okay
Brad: This one lady who took 19 minutes to serve one guy: I swear she took about 9 breaks in the duration I was there. Her theory is, "Well, I worked ten minutes. Time to take a ten minute break."
Bill: Well, it's hard work putting up with dumbasses
Brad: Do you know what their work day consists of, Bill?
Bill: Nope
Brad: Yelling out numbers. "Number 688? 688?" Then they type s--- on a computer and take bad pictures. That's it. I can see why that lady took so many breaks.
Bill: Wow, even Dino Allsman can do that
Brad: Dino Allsman? Isn't that the Flintstones' dog?
Bill: No
Brad: Sorry; I meant dogosaurus.
Bill: Oh, ok then, yes
Brad: Do you know what my favorite kind of
dinosaur is? A thesaurus.
Bill: Thank you for that lame joke Bradley
Brad: You're welcome.
Bill: ok
Brad: Anyway, folks, it's a Tuesday... it's my day off... And guess what Bill did to me this morning?
Bill: I woke his ass up
Brad: He gave me a wake-up call.
Bill: A deserved one at that
Brad: At the crack of dawn, no less.
Bill: Crack of dawn? It was 1 in the afternoon
Brad: That's the crack of dawn for me.
Bill: oh, ok
Brad: Well, that'll about do it for this edition of Conversations.
Bill: goodnight folks
Brad: Goodnight?
Bill: Yeah
Brad: What if they happen to be reading this in the afternoon?
Bill: Who cares
Brad: Yeah. Good point.
Bill: I know
Brad: Until next time, I'm Anna Nicole Smith.
Bill: And I'm.... who was I?
Brad: Uh, Robin Leach.
Bill: Oh yeah. Champagne wishes, and caviar dreams
Brad: And breasts the size of watermelons.
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