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BRAD: I'd just like to address something that has held over from the last "Conversations," and that is the fact that I am not a bitch.
BILL: Why do you want to lie to people
BRAD: I don't want to lie, Bill. This is the truth.
BILL: It is common knowledge to everyone who knows you including me, that you are a king sized bitch
BRAD: No way! I have proof that I'm not a bitch.
BILL: Really? Where? I have got to see this
BRAD: You really don't want to see it, Bill.
BILL: I really do... bitch... or would ya rather move on
BRAD: Anyway...
BILL: Yeah
BRAD: I'm moving this week, finally
BILL: Really? To which cardboard box now
BRAD: Those of you who are offended by that remark can reach Bill at bill@couch.zzn.com
BILL: What is to be offended by that
BILL: Bitch
BRAD: Say someone who's reading this used to be homeless at one time. If I were that person, I'd be offended.
BILL: How could a homeless person read something on the internet. It's not like it's written on a three week old issue of the USA Today or something
BRAD: I said used to be homeless.
BILL: Used to be homeless? I knew a guy who used to be homeless, wanna hear this story
BRAD: Do I have a choice?
BILL: No, you dont
BRAD: OK then.
BILL: See, his name was Frank, and he hit the lottery, with a dollar he found inside a three week old issue of USA Today
BRAD: Really?
BILL: Yeah. Not a good lottery. Only one of the daily games
BILL: He got enough to get a house, and a shower. He got a job two days later
BRAD: Wow.
BRAD: Oh! Oh, FRANK! Who works with you at McDonalds.
BILL: Now he makes fun of homeless people. He has such a great perspective. He can make those insightful jokes
BILL: Like how politicians can make great jokes about other politicians
BILL: Did ya ever hear the one George Bush told about Clinton?
BRAD: No, no I didn't.
BILL: Neither did I. But I was told it was really good
BRAD: In order to prevent an Abbott and Costello-esque bit from occurring, I'm just gonna leave this at: "Allright."
BRAD: Allright.
BILL: Allright
BILL: bitch
BRAD: Hey, at least I update the page.
BILL: Hey at least I...... get to make Big Macs
BRAD: Yeah, see? I even wrote you a nice bio in the staff page, but you still call me a bitch.
BILL: But it's a proven fact.... anyway, we decided not to talk about that, remember?
BRAD: But you brought it -- yeah, nevermind.
BILL: Exactly
BILL: So, whats on your mind
BRAD: Absolutely nothing.
BRAD: Is it normal to get a cold in the middle of August?
BILL: Yes I think it is
BRAD: Good. 'Cause I've got one right now.
BILL: You have a cold???
BILL: hahahah Freak
BRAD: Hey! You said it was normal, cock.
BILL: I lied
BILL: Bitch
BILL: Is it normal to have to urinate constantly?
BRAD: I'm kind of tired. I spent last night updating the site... designing the Monica Lewinsky logo, etc..
BILL: Tired? From updating. All you do is type, and move a mouse, if that tires you, I'd hate to see what moving is going to do to you
BRAD: When you update the site, you'll see why it exausts you.
BILL: hmmm.... we shall see.
BRAD: You'll love webmastering, Bill.
BRAD: It's a great field.
BILL: I remember when I used to webmaster
BILL: But it was the seventies, I smoked too much weed, and listening to Jefferson Airplane
BRAD: Boy, oh boy... it sure is hard to keep a fledgling comedy website afloat.
BILL: It is?? It looks easy
BRAD: No, not really.
BRAD: It takes a lot of pissing people off.
BILL: Oh, like I did with the homeless jokes
BRAD: Kind of.
BILL: OK, shall I try to piss people off?
BRAD: You see, in order to get publicity for this site, I have to go to newsgroups and post little ads...
BILL: I think I understand
BRAD: I've been doing this for about two weeks now, but a few days ago, some guy from alt.star-
trek.i.need.a.life e-mailed me telling me how bad The Couch is.
BILL: Really? And I assume you have a piece of this email here
BRAD: Yeah. Let me bring it up here:
BILL: OK, this I gotta see
BRAD: Dear Mr. Preston,
BILL: Thats a good start. No one else in the world calls you mister
BILL: They usually call you bitch
BRAD: You are making a mockery of this newsgroup.
BILL: Which newsgroup was it again?
BRAD: alt.star-trek.i.need.a.life
BRAD: Anyway, let me continue.
BILL: OK, I just needed to clear that part up
BRAD: When people come to this newsgroup, they expect to see fanciction or Leonard Nimoy quotes. Your post, sir, had neither.
BILL: He has a point
BRAD: Cross-posting is something that we here at alt.star-trek.i.need.a.life don't tolerate, Mr. Preston. Advertising for your third-world site doesn't go over well here.
BILL: Third world site??? Ill kill that sonofabitch
BILL: Was there anymore?
BRAD: I looked over your site and saw nothing remotely funny about it, except for the fact that the Enterprise was very noticeably absent.
BILL: Well, it's pretty funny, that we dont have a picture of the enterprise.
BILL: Just think of what is possible if we did
BILL: Just think of how incoherant I am right now
BILL: Like I said. I been toking up on weed, and listening to Jefferson Airplane. Im dangerous right now
BRAD: In the future, I advise you not to post here at alt.star-trek.i.need.a.life again. Otherwise, we will be forced our phasers on stun.
BILL: Do they realize that phasers arent real?
BRAD: With my hands in the Vulcan Mind Meld postion,
BRAD: TJHooker34214
BILL: Wow. Did you send a responce?
BRAD: No. No I did not.
BILL: Tell me you at least spammed the f--- out of that newsgroup
BRAD: I didn't want to be attacked by one of them fancy phasers.
BILL: Dude, Phasers arent real. It's all computer affects
BRAD: Really?
BRAD: Shit.
BILL: Yeah. I met the guy who created the "Phaser affect"
BILL: His name is Steve
BILL: He's an arogant asshole
BRAD: Really?
BILL: Yeah he is.
BILL: He kicks me in the nuts til I call him "God of Phasers"
BRAD: Does he have any other sound-effects to his credit?
BILL: Yeah he did the masturbation sound affects for Theres Something About Mary
BRAD: Wow.
BILL: And he did the voice of "Alf"
BILL: He did a ton of other stuff, and he said something about Star, and War or something
BILL: You know the usual yadda yadda yadda
BRAD: Yeah. I hate guys like that who think they're interesting just because they worked on a Star Wars
movie.
BILL: Yeah. I worked on a star wars movie
BRAD: They try to tell you what kind of sandwiches Lucas eats for luch...
BILL: I bet he eats egg salad
BILL: He seems like an egg salad eating asshole
BRAD: No. I was talking to Sam Jackson and he said that Lucas is more of a PB&J type of guy
BILL: Oh, OK
BRAD: Yeah.
BILL: You know, since I have this tie to the entertainment industry we can do what we always dreamed of
BRAD: What's that?
BILL: You mean you dont know?? Its only the project we have planed once the couch takes off, and we sell
out
BRAD: No. No, I do not.
BILL: Oh come on. You know. Our Full House reunion
BRAD: What? No, you came up with that idea after 7 cans of Bud Dry. Besides, Full House is a lame-ass
show, so I don't like the idea at all.
BILL: You did when you had yer 22 cans of Bud Dry you drunken bitch
BRAD: That was when I had my 22 cans of Bud Dry. This is now.
BILL: Yeah, now
BILL: You said you'd do it.
BILL: Remember the plan?
BRAD: Come on, Bill. It's a lame f---in' show.
BILL: I know.
BILL: But, just listen ok?
BRAD: OK.
BILL: Do you remember any of the description I gave you
BRAD: No, but I remember that stripper you kept yelling "Feed the kitty" to
BILL: Hey I dont go to strip bars
BRAD: You don't go to strip bars the same way I don't over-eat.
BILL: Exactly, slim
BILL: Anyway, back to what I was saying
BRAD: Back to what you were saying...
BILL: OK, first of all, we know that Bob Saget, John Stamos, Candace Cameron-whatever, and The Olsen
bitches wont be coming back
BRAD: I guess
BILL: Well. Bob Saget hated the show, right?
BRAD: That he did.
BILL: And John Stamos is gonna be busy having wild passionate sex with Rebeca Romijn
BRAD: As would I if I were in his shoes.
BILL: Candace whatever is doing TV movies
BRAD: She is?
BILL: Thats what you told me, remember?
BRAD: Yeah. I don't know how I knew that. I guess I need to watch less Lifetime.
BILL: Yeah you do. And The Olsen Twins had their bodyguard beat the crapo out of the last person to call
them Michelle
BRAD: I remember reading about that in USA Today.
BILL: Me too.
BILL: So we have Dave Coulier, The chick who played whats her name, Lori Loughlin, and the chick who played Kimmy, right?
BRAD: Right.
BILL: OK, naturally. First we have to find a replacement for Bob Sagets character, since he was the glue of the show.
BRAD: Tim Meadows?
BILL: Exactly
BRAD: Go on.
BILL: OK. We have Stephanie, Uncle Joey, Danny, Rebecca and Kimmy.
BRAD: Right
BILL: The first episode. Their journey to find a new uncle to replace Jesse
BRAD: I'm listening.
BILL: Here we reveal, Jesse's long lost brother.
BILL: Uncle Frank
BRAD: Uncle Frank?
BILL: Yeah, are you listening to me?
BRAD: I'm listening to you
BILL: Then why do you question Uncle Frank
BRAD: I want to learn more about Uncle Frank.
BRAD: Bitch.
BILL: OK. First of all, they find him in a strip bar. Maybe even yelling "Feed the Kitty"
BILL: Danny finds him, cuz Danny is h----
BILL: And Rebecca is dancing there now
BRAD: What happened to her morning show?
BILL: Who cares? It's Lori Loughlin f---in naked man
BRAD: So this show would have to be on Showtime instead of TGIF, huh?
BILL: Either that, or have creative camera angles
BRAD: Anyway?
BILL: Anyway, they bring Frank home. Somehow though, he speaks with an italian accent
BRAD: But isn't Stamos Greek?
BILL: Who cares? Italians kick ass. Ever seen that show The Sopranos?
BRAD: No. It's always on at the same time as "Women: Stories of Passion."
BILL: Hmmmm....
BILL: Anyway, he's all like "Whats yer friggin problem, Im yer friggin uncle"
BRAD: Allright
BILL: So, of course, they all question it, And the big plot is to break in to the records building, and find
out that Frank really is Jesse's brother
BILL: Along the way, Frank is eying Kimmy
BILL: Are ya listening to me?
BRAD: Dude...
BILL: Yeah Dude
BRAD: This sounded so much cooler when I was drunk.
BILL: I know. It felt so much cooler when I was drunk
BRAD: Anyway, I should head off to bed...
BILL: Yeah, you need to whack it anyway
BRAD: Goodnight
BILL: Goodnight